well, we are definitely in the final stretch of this! no matter how you look at it, we’ve got no more than a month to go, give or take a few days.

we had another growth check yesterday, and bomar has topped 5lbs, and girmar is holding at just below 4lbs. her growth rate has dropped, but her activity level and blood flow are both still excellent, so it may just be that she’s hit her natural growth potential and isn’t going to get a whole lot bigger. if the drop was caused by a lack of performance from the placenta, we’d likley (but not definitely) see reduced activity and lessened blood flow, and since neither are present, we can leave her where she is. the balancing act here is that if she’s done growing inside, we could birth her and get her growing better outside where she’d have the benefit of medical care, but that’d mean birthing him, too, which would be a detriment to him. she’s not at risk, so there’s really no incentive to get them out at this point. so we watch and wait. there are no worries about her growth, it’s just a question of what’s the bigger benefit over all.

also had another NST (non-stress test), which caused a little bit of concern because bomar’s heart rate drops occasionally (very normal, and on its own not at all a big deal) and girmar’s heart rate didn’t go up enough with her activity (not a huge concern, either, but something to watch). so even though neither one of those things is independently worrisome, those two combined with the drop in growth prompted the perinatologist to send us over to labor and delivery for extended fetal monitoring. (i don’t know of a single twin mom who has made it through pregnancy without at least one “get thee to L&D” session, so we’re lucky to have gone this long without winding up in a room.)

over at the hospital, they hooked me up for another NST, and almost immediately said “oh, they’re both looking great – you’re fine”. but of course we had to stay for the full 2-3 hours and see the oncall doctor anyhow. when she came in, she agreed that they both looked great, but had some concerns about how many contractions i was having (the NST tracks contractions, too). i told her it was pretty normal for me, she did an exam, i passed, and we were sent home. so, much ado about nothing, but good that they are being vigilant.

the whole experience was a good one – we learned a lot. we had not brought my bag with us, so as soon as i get the last few things in it, it’ll live in the car. i hadn’t eaten before the appointment, since i figured we’d be done by 3 and i could grab something on the way home, and then they wouldn’t let me eat, so from now on i’ll eat before every appointment. it was a little chilly in the room for ed so he’ll have long pants in his bag. the only food is vending machine food (unless you’re a patient – they did let me have some jello), so ed will be bringing some snacks.

other recent adventures… heparin SUCKS. i’ve now had more than one bloodbath – one pretty impressive one that soaked a palm-sized part of a t-shirt, the pillow i put under my belly when i sleep, and the sheets, all within about 90 minutes, FROM AN INJECTION HOLE!!! how does that much blood even come out of that tiny of a hole? the shots hurt like a bitch, and we do them twice a day, and it’s a rare day when i don’t end up in tears from at least one of them, and usually both. in my quest for a tip or trick to make them easier, i ran across a number of websites for nurses which discuss this problem. if nurses are concerned about how much it hurts their patients, i guess i’m not being a baby. oh, and no tips or tricks we don’t already know – so basically i’m screwed. it’s hit the point where the amount of self-control needed to simply stand still while ed does the injection is rapidly approaching my breaking point. my will power is going to have to get stronger. (the shots get worse over time, since they hurt to start with and they also damage the area, so it’s more bruised and sensitive each day. fun stuff.)

we’ve now ordered/brought/inherited everything we will need right when the babies come home – we hope. still hemming and hahing about the organic mattresses and whether or not they’re worth the cost. we’ve hammered out some of the big questions, like cord blood banking. cool idea, but even our doctor recommended against it, since the tech is getting so good and the donor banking is so widespread that there’s a very high probability that you’ll find a match if you need one, and so there’s really no reason to do it unless you have a very good reason, such as one of the treatable diseases being in the immediate family (we do – non-hodgkins lymphoma as well as a tendency towards auto-immune stuff – but i’m not sure that’s enough to warrant it).

the diapers arrived last week – 170 diapers fills a drawer, and these are the tiny ones!

the babies are still both breech, and the way they’re situated i can’t imagine how bomar could possibly turn, so we’re pretty much guaranteed a c-section at this point. there’s a good chance they’ll wait for me to go into labor and then do it, but they’ll also probably give me an end date that they’ll just go ahead and get them out. we’ll see.

moving right along!

i’ve been scanning through the blog entries and being a little baffled at my constant dwelling in the technical. i know why this is the way it is – it’s no mystery – but i’d have thought that i’d get around it sooner than now. the reason i’ve latched onto the medical and scientific side of this is plain and simple: i’m a 5+year IVFer with four miscarriages (and an adoption attempt that ended in a miscarriage) on my record. wrapping my little brain around all of this is difficult, and publicly acknowledging how in love i already am with these two kiddos is just terrifying.

i am hugely emotionally involved in this, but letting that out into the world means it’s real, means that everyone knows, means that if something goes wrong i can’t reclaim my disbelief.

i have the perfect story to give you an idea of how the thought process works for someone who has been through what we’ve been through to get where we’ve got. i quilt, a lot, and i’ve made quilts for all of my immediate family over the last few years, and a few friends. i have not made quilts for our babies. up until about a month ago, i hadn’t even bought fabric for them. i knew i wanted to make them, but i couldn’t quite do it. ed and i were talking about this one evening a few months ago, when i was about 18-20 weeks along or so, and i said, “well, i guess i’m far enough along to start the baby quilts”. ed asked what i meant. i explained that i didn’t want to get started on that and then have something awful happen. then i thought for a second and added, “but i guess if this doesn’t work out, then at least we’d have something to bury.”

that is how the long-term IVFer mind works.*

i’ve held my breath while passing each date where i knew someone who had lost a pregnancy: most of the first trimester, 21 weeks, 7 months (that last one was IVF twins just like me). the first few trips to babies r’us felt like torture, because after the first round of IVF (where we had a bumpy, uncertain lead-in to what became a positive test) we stopped in there to price the larger stuff, and the very next day i started bleeding and we lost the pregnancy. no, i’m not so silly to believe that there was a cause and effect there, but it felt like we were jinxing things. this time around, each big purchase has been terrifying to me, as if we’re tempting fate more and more the further invested we become, and i refused to buy anything at all until we were firmly within the return policy period’s duration from our latest possible due date. the baby clothes we bought sat for over a month with the tags on, in the bag, just in case. i politely declined accepting hand-me-downs until i felt i couldn’t let them sit in katie’s garage any longer if i wanted to consider myself even remotely reasonable. nothing we’d bought came out of boxes until last week, and then only one thing was unpacked and assembled. my thinking was that if we lost the babies, i could just barely handle the return nonsense – but there was no way on earth i could handle having to sell the stuff and the more there was sitting around, visible, the more horrible it’d be.

but now, with the one little perpetual motion machine and the other larger perpetual hiccup machine constantly reminding me of their presence, i’m gradually settling in to belief. with myself, and with ed, i’m openly amused, enamoured, and enthralled with them both. they already have such personalities. they have routines, they’re predictable, they are individuals and yet – for another few weeks – they are part of me. but it’s taken me a while to let that guard down outside our little family. and when i did let it down, it was because they’ve given me no choice. how can you not laugh and smile when your belly is visibly jumping all over the place? it’s nothing i did – not due to any decision on my part – that has allowed me to start allowing myself the permission to be excited; it’s 100% them.

i still don’t talk to them, but i do dance with them, sing a bit, and i cuddle them. all three of us seem to like quite a bit of Bob Marley’s music, and when they push up against my belly, i can rub their backs. i got to watch one of them practice-breathing the other night: a small area on my belly was rising and falling rhythmically, faster than my breathing rate but steadily and gently. it was truly amazing to watch. thankfully, ed got to see it, too. not so thankfully, it happened while i was on the toilet, so i had to call him into the bathroom lest he miss it. it was totally worth the breach of protocol.

these two squirming, boxing, hiccuping little people have done more to change me in the last month than i can even say. most importantly, they’ve given me permission to let go of my wariness and accept the reality of our amazing situation, and to stop glancing backwards – mostly – at the losses and quit – again, mostly – preparing for another one. by being ever-present, insistent, and asking permission of no one before launching into a new gymnastics routine, they’ve forced me to change. before i can even look into their eyes, they’ve given me the shove – and kicks and punches – i needed to really let go and enjoy the astonishing, crazy, peculiar, and hysterical experience of being pregnant. how could i not be completely in love with them?

*as a side note, but a very important side note: ian’s comment reminded me how different IVF is for everyone. there’s no one typical experience of it, just as there’s no one typical IVF cycle (and any doctor who tells you there is is either new or lying). ed and i now know quite a few IVF couples (and a couple IVF individuals), and i can’t think of even one who would describe it in exactly the same way as we do, or as any of the others do.

well, the news today is from our OB appointment. the OB, who had been saying “i’d like to get you to 32 weeks” said “looks like a planned delivery at 37 weeks”. THIRTY SEVEN WEEKS??!?

also, bomar is still breech, so it’s starting to look more and more like a c-section. we’ll see. the farther along i get, the less space he has to turn, so even if i go into labor on my own, they’d still do a c-section if he’s breech. i’m poking him frequently.

the appointment yesterday went very well. i went into it a little worried because girmar had been a regular gymnast friday, saturday, and sunday, then took a serious break monday and tuesday. she still moved, but nowhere near as much. of course, the second the doctor started the ultrasound, she put on a show. both babies look great, and we even got a photo of bomar – sort of. it’s very playdough-y looking because of where he is. i’m not going to send it because it kind of creeps me out. their vitals are great (8/8 on the BPP [biophysical profile] as always). bomar is nearing 5 pounds, and girmar is trailing at around 3.5 pounds. even though she continues to drop in percentile, she’s gaining more than the required 100g/wk.

cervix is 44mm, still very long. doesn’t mean i CAN’T go into labor, but it’s a good indicator that i won’t. the only thing that’d trigger labor at this point is if my water broke.

had a couple of adventures this week, mainly surrounding injection sites bleeding like crazy. i should have taken a photo of my towel yesterday – looked like i’d tried to clean up a murder scene. we opted to pass on the video monitors and just get the movement ones, but i’m not sure how well they’ll work since the co-sleepers are tethered to our bed, so if we move it may override any indication of the babies not moving. we’ll have to experiment a bit. we have one co-sleeper set up on ed’s side of the bed so he can get used to it being there. it’s going to be an adjustment, but it’ll be nice to have them within grabbing distance.

we’re meeting with our doula saturday to go over our birthing plan and figure out what we still need to do. i’ll be packing a hospital bag this weekend (better safe than sorry) and we’ll be tackling some of the last prep stuff. still have a few runs to babies r’us and the drug store to do, but we’re very close. we have a stack of 20% off coupons for babies r’us that we’re intent on using every one of. they only allow one per customer per visit, so we get in line behind each other and buy one thing at a time. sounds stupid, but it’s already saved us over $100 easily.

we wandered into Janie and Jack yesterday evening (super boutique-y baby/kids clothes store) just for fun, and they were having a big sale. we’ve finally decided that yes, we’re probably going to have a tiny little girl, so we picked up some preemie clothes there. they were cheaper than babies r’us! turns out that the little places can’t just store stuff that doesn’t sell, and the preemie stuff doesn’t, so it just keeps getting marked lower and lower. we got some things for $3.99! ended up with six very cute little tiny onesies for less than $40 – not too bad. (side note – why on earth does Microsoft want me to spell it “preemie”? shouldn’t it be “premie”?)

i’m working on another book project, which gives me something to do now that the weather’s nice and i really want to be outside in the garden, but i should be sitting on my butt. our weather has finally gotten nice, so my tomatoes have gone from drowning to wilting. oh well. next year.

i’m definitely starting to be uncomfortable a lot of the time. not miserable, just achy and tired. with any luck, though, we’ve got another three weeks (i’ve told the babies they can’t come until july 15th, or i’m taking what i have to pay back to my employer out of their allowances).

not much else to tell – pretty much just waiting at this point!

oh, there is one other thing…

at the appointment yesterday we were able to see that girmar had her eyes open and was looking around!! pretty incredible! we saw this at a previous appointment, too, but only for a split second. this time it was much more obvious.

and one other other thing – the hiccups. good god, the hiccups. bomar has them multiple times a day, for a good 5-10 minutes at a stretch, and girmar has them at least once a day. it’s a very good sign – indicates muscle tone, practice breathing, and lots of other good things. but i have to say that if i had hiccups that often and for that long, i’d be pissed!

my whole immediate family was here for the weekend a couple of weeks ago, and since they all left, i’ve been downright exhausted. i’m literally falling asleep mid-sentence while writing e-mails. if i stop to think ‘is that really how i want to put this?’ i’m out. if i have to wait for a page to load, i’m out. it’s pretty funny, actually. and it starts earlier every day – at first it was around 4pm, but now by noon i’m dropping off every time i get a few seconds of delay.

in other developments, the babies are still bouncing all over the place, we finally ordered the co-sleepers and play yard (had a good coupon), we’ve made great progress in our bedroom and sitting room to prepare for them, and we’ve got most of the baby clothes and other stuff (blankets, etc) washed. next, lots of folding and putting away, and hopefully it all fits in the drawers i cleared out. we’ve taken soooo much stuff to charity (Value Village – benefits the blind) – lots of which fell into the “hasn’t fit me for a year or two, won’t ever fit again” category. feels good to be rid of it all! (mom, Wardrobe for Opportunity isn’t up here, and i can’t find a similar group, so the realtor ‘costumes’ are going to Value Village as well.) between career changes and size changes, i had a LOT to get rid of.

we hired the doula we interviewed a few weeks back, so we’ll have a very experienced, knowledgeable, bulldog of a woman there with us at the birth to make sure we understand what’s going on and what our options are, and to give us an extra kick in the butt if we need it. she’ll also be there after the birth to help me get started nursing (assuming the babies stay with me rather than go to the NICU). she’s not warm and cuddly by any stretch of the imagination, but she’s nice enough and she knows the routine and i think she’ll be a great help. we’ll probably also have her come to the house a few times after we’re home to help with the twins-specific stuff.

we’ve had a number of appointment and lab results since my last e-mail – let’s see if i can remember it all (doubtful, but i’ll try).

the glucose tolerance test came back perfectly fine on all four draws. i wasn’t even borderline this time. definitely good news – we had pasta for dinner the night i got the results. my bp is holding and staying nice and low (100/76 this morning at the appointment). those two things are what could put me into being required to deliver early, so we’re off that hook for now. cervix length is also good, so no signs of preterm labor, either, in spite of all the contractions. girmar’s growth rate is still dropping her into even lower percentiles, but she’s still growing, and she’s easily surpassing the 50g/wk requirement (less than that and they’d consider delivering after a retest), so no need for early delivery there, either.

at the growth checks, they’re continuing to measure all sorts of things (head, abdomen, femur, etc) to see how each baby is growing proportionately as well as just looking at weight. some of the measurements may or may not be starting to point towards some down syndrome characteristics, but we’ll just have to wait and see. we’re not particularly concerned; not because we have some idea that we’re immune to the possibility, but because we really don’t mind the idea. the internal organs all look excellent, and our biggest concern about down syndrome would be the impact on their physical health, and if we’re avoiding the associated health risks, then we’d be pretty lucky. there’s been some confusion about which baby was which when they did the initial screening. we’d been told A (bomar) was the one at risk, but the measurements for him are fine; it’s now B (girmar) who they’re looking at more closely. but who knows – it’s possible it’s just her growth pattern (which is clearly off to start with). either way, we’re not concerned.

we had our first NST (non-stress test) last week. it was a pretty funny experience. the idea is that they get a baseline heart rate for each baby, then they get movement samples to see if the heart rate goes up or down; this determines if they’re getting enough oxygen. the normal problem is that they can’t get good movement samples. with me, the babies were moving so much that they couldn’t even get the monitors in the right place for more than a few seconds (which was not helped by girmar kicking the one over her heart), and it was looking like even if they got the monitors to pick them up, they’d never get a baseline. a tech had to come in to help place the monitors, and while ed and i were waiting in the room, we started hearing this funny thump-thump-thump-thump. i realized it was girmar hiccuping, and i started giggling. then i noticed that when i laughed, the monitors moved, so i tried to hold them, but of course that made me need to laugh even harder. i kept trying not to, and ed did his best not to laugh, but couldn’t help it – although he kept telling ME not to laugh! – and i finally gave up and just cracked up. i’m sure everyone in that part of the office heard me and thought there was a crazy woman in the room, but there was nothing i could do to stop it! they did eventually get a baseline – and they had plenty of movement samples. in fact, normally, there are a series of little dots plotted along the bottom of the read-out, each one signifying when the machine sensed movement. they also normally give the mother a button to push when she feels movement. our dots were a solid line over about 3/4 of the sheet, and they never even gave me a button! this is all GREAT news, because movement is a huge indicator of the well-being of the babies.

one more week on lovenox, then we switch to heparin, which may or may not be worse than the lovenox (apparently it depends on the person). the definite downside is that heparin requires TWO injections a day – whoopee. i now have stretch marks on the inside of my knees – thank you, prednisone for breaking down my collagen. thank you also, prednisone, for my LOVELY new stiff black neck hair (it’s NOT a beard, dammit) which has forced me to ask ed for a shaving lesson because i’m just failing miserably. initially, i just had more invisible blonde peach fuzz on my jaw line and cheeks – easy enough to deal with – but this is new, and is on my neck below my chin. (and i have to admit that there was a small temptation to just let it grow to see how long it would get, but i didn’t. it was about 1/4″ long when i noticed it. [like i said, it's under my chin on my neck, so i couldn't really see it. i thought the dark patch was just a rash, but noooOOOooooo...]) and no, you can’t wax or bleach when pregnant, unless you want to risk permanent skin discoloration. at least the hair growth will go away after i stop the prednisone – so sayeth the doctor – but the stretch marks are probably here to stay. i’ll be glad to be done with the acne, lose the double chin, be able to wear my wedding ring again, and get back behind an oar – but it’s all worth it!

so, all in all, all’s well. we’re plugging along with the prep work here, getting ready to pack a hospital bag, and going back and forth to appointments multiple times a week. business as usual